Cool! I’m a victim!!!! June 26, 2009

You know, I’ve been whining and complaining for the last year. No. Wait. It’s been longer than that. It’s been, if I face it, ten years now.

Yeah, okay, I had a shitty childhood. And my parents’ childhoods were worse.

Yep, I’ve had some shit stuff happen to me.

And I’m a victim.

I have been going over and over the incidents and the reemergence of this old pattern and it finally adds up.

Oh. I had help. A friend guided me through some stuff and left me with some thoughts. And after a few days, this is where it led.

Knowing this helps! I look back to the days where I processed my childhood and chose to make myself into who I wanted to be, rather than who I had been. And I did! And where did that amazing woman go?

So it’s back to the drawing board for me.

Here is what I’ll be using. I found this article on overcoming being a victim with great links to four more helpful articles.

The Damage it Does to Families to Report them to CPS January 23, 2009

Today, I finally had an opportunity to discuss with the other mom who was wrongly reported to CPS what it is like. We both have had close to a year to distance ourselves from this evil thing. We both feel so very suspicious and  bitter over this. We both changed from being completely forthcoming and joyous, very out and about moms, to much more private, isolated, suspicious moms. For the first time, we compared notes on who we thought might have done this. We both felt highly suspicious of two people in particular. Not good! Not knowing means that the suspicion is still being directed towards some innocent people and the underlying hostility we both try to keep in check is undeserved!

Our children have most certainly suffered. Were there good intentions for us having been reported? Not really. Did anything we do in the way we parent change? Not exactly. Certainly not in the way the reporter must have intended. We just keep our precious children more in, more to ourselves, which is a shame for them and a shame for those that miss out on their company. A loss all around.

What horrified me even more than the fact that we were wrongly accused for malicious reasons is that other people were spreading around a few rumors, one of which was that I made the report on the other family and then lied about my family having been reported. What sort of people are women that they could be listening to crap like that and not shutting it down? I checked around and found that and another few rumors to have been quite widespread. This group is about as safe a place as one could expect and it deeply disappointed me to finally realize that this is just how women are. I aspire to be better than that. Gossip is some nasty business.

It’s not all that easy to be the most positive parent you can be when feeling bitter and suspicious. I would like my children to feel they have a loving and joyous mother. I have only just reclaimed my joy in the last month or so. I finally put my foot down and made a decision to focus on joy and have joy now and I really do feel the difference, thank goodness. It’s been, in so many ways, an unnecessarily rough year.

I’m Gorgeous and I’m Vain! January 13, 2009

Yes, that’s right. I’m gorgeous. And I’m owning it. And I’m vain.

Now, usually, I would not mention those things. But since you can’t see me and I won’t be posting any photos, I figured I’d share that lest you draw the false conclusion that everyone into the things I am thinks it’s more important to be gorgeous on the inside. I’m that too, don’t get me wrong. And it’s critical. But I also am one of those people that feels people should make some effort to work with what they have. Put your best face (and body) forward. Work on your appearance. No, not for hours and not in a hugely fake way (big hair, can’t leave house without makeup), but yeah, do try!

My hair is highlighted! <shudder> I used to get my hair done very often and I missed it. I not only missed the whole looking better, I missed the experience. Hair dressers are (or can be) special people. I have always looked forward to my visits in part because of the person I was seeing. I have had fewer long-term hairdresser relationships than boyfriends! I am on my third, actually. And the last one only ended because we moved away. I still miss Javier, a gorgeous, sexy gay man who we (yup, my husband too) spent a lot of time with after years of building our relationship. He touched our heads! How personal is that! We attended many small events at his house and even spent the night.

My current hairdresser says she loves that she helps women (she mainly works with women) with their self-esteem. She’s helped me own this. It’s totally true! This wise young woman has been through a lot and she’s come away strong and empowered. She’s lovely and empowering to women. I have shared stuff with her that I just don’t talk about. It’s therapy!

After a few visits, I decided I was ready to keep up with hilights again and she promised to keep the chemicals away from my scalp – she knew! I went out and bought a hair iron because those things rock and I totally look better with my hair straightened. She taught me how to use it. I look so much better now. I have lost a few inches off my hips (my belt is 2 notches smaller and if I don’t wear a belt, my pants fall down all day) so probably have slimmed down everywhere else as well. The scale would have me discouraged so I am glad I am using the belt as a measure.

People respond differently to you when you’re put together better. And when slimmer and hair done, it doesn’t even matter all that much what you wear. Jeans and a t-shirt just look better on you when you’re a better you. A friend I hadn’t seen in a few months was noticeably  more attentive to me the other day. No surprise; I myself am finally interested in the reflection in the mirror again and willing to spend more time there. It’s been years! I am getting myself back!

I always intended to grow old gracefully. But I didn’t really realize that takes work. Now I’m doing the work. It’s worth it!

Books I’m Reading/Have Read January 6, 2009

Currently Reading:

Conversations with God Spiritual. All the answers are in this book! I didn’t know all the questions. Good things have started happening since I started reading this!

Square Foot Gardening I’ve got a square foot garden all planted up! Now to learn how to maintain it! I love the ideas in this book. I have always wondered why plant a whole packet of seeds only to thin them down; I’ve always “cheated” on that and saved most of the seeds. I love it when people can “think outside of the box”. Ha ha. Mel puts himself into a box by thinking out of the box!

Hands of Light/Light Emerging I hope these books hold some answers for me. I don’t intend to become a healer to others, just myself and my family.

Nourishing Traditions Learning to eat in the ways of many traditional cultures. How to prepare our own foods naturally and get the nutrients/minerals. The beginning was a bit dry for me but there are loads of great tips and other cool shorties interspersed with the recipes. I’m learning tons!

Favorites

Unconditional Parenting By far my most favorite parenting book.

The Highly Sensitive Person

The Highly Sensitive Child

More later!

Insight Part II – musings on being an invisible angel December 29, 2008

Continued from previous posting on Insight Seminars.

During Insight Seminars, there are many volunteers who assist and keep the processes running smoothly. I was reminiscing with my husband today because I saw one situation from our assisting in a different light. Imagine feeling like an invisible guardian angel! That is what we felt, briefly.

The participants were doing a guided meditation with eyes closed and our job, as assistants, was to keep them from bumping into each other. So if one participant got too close to another, we would simply place our body between the two participants and take the blow.

I wonder, do angels do that for us? Are there things going on in an invisible realm that are just too painful and angels soften the blow? Perhaps it’s not always possible to take on the full force of it. So much of assisting continues to be personal growth. I must reflect more on what I learned both participating and assisting.

At the end of the seminar, it was always made clear that your seminar was about to begin: Your Life.

I so wish there was an opportunity to take part of an Insight seminar near me but when I look for them now, I can only find things going on in California. Not very convenient at the moment.

I totally forgot that they also ran children’s seminars. We had always hoped to have our future kids participate in Insight for Kids and now I could totally see how it would help my kids. I suppose if I were super motivated, I could get people organized and have one here.

But maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Perhaps I can dig a little deeper, find those tools, dust them off, and use them on what’s going on for me now.

Healthy Anger December 24, 2008

Last night, it occurred to me that I was angry at my husband. No, not just angry, but really furious. On the edge, actually. Having trouble thinking clearly. Luckily for him, it was about 1am and he hadn’t come to bed yet so I had time to think. That was the trigger for me becoming aware of how angry I was. I have barely seen him as he has allowed himself to engage in a full-time affair with his computer. Even at meal time, he’s “too busy” to eat with us. Forget about anything being done around the house.

This has been his tendency over the years and I often push and get him back on track. Last night, it was one of those points where it was too much. I allowed my mind to really explore my alternatives and they didn’t look good at all. It’s not like I dislike him. It’s just that this isn’t what a marriage is nor what a dad is supposed to be doing in order for there to be a healthy family. If I leave the house to run errands, I can count on two things. The girls are safe  and they’re watching TV or a movie.

When he finally did come to bed, I told him what was bothering me. I didn’t yell or call names. I didn’t threaten either. I just explained in a few short words. He listened and concluded that he’d have to change his ways. And that was it.

My anger was not diffused so I got up a little while later and googled  about marriage. After only the first few hits, I felt empowered. I learned that yes, there are times to leave a marriage. But ending a marriage is something one should do after everything else has been tried. And one website suggested that when you were at your absolute end, could take no more, that would be the time to give it a full year of really trying. That sounds like some awesome advice!

No, I’m  not at that point. I’ve been close a few times but never there consistently and never willing to trade what I’ve got for putting my girls in school/daycare. Sure, I can see that it’s not great for kids to grow up with parents who don’t relate well, but it’s not better to toss them aside either. If it’s hard now, working long days and trying to get them places on time  would be exponentially more stressful.

I’ve been falling down on the job. I have allowed my anger to build up to a level that I wasn’t even aware of. I told my husband that I resented that every single thing around the house now fell to me because he figured out that if he just didn’t do anything, eventually I’d have to. I allowed this to happen. Tired of being a nag, I decided to try something new and do things with a smile. Only I didn’t manage the smile. It would be fine if I were the type that could manage to work very hard and do it with a smile. It’s unfortunate that both of us have the same areas that need work. But I still believe that marriage is work and so would the next one be so I might as well start here. (I’d love to get to a level where I could fully embrace marriage as joy and forget about believing it was work!)

I’ve got no idea what I need to do. Open the lines of communication would be a first step. I told him I was running around all day yesterday and feeling guilty over the dishes and uninspired to create meals because of the mess in the kitchen and that I quit. That I was not going to do those dishes after all.That the guilt was not mine alone. I am off to the hairdresser in a few minutes and he’s quitting work early so I fully expect a sparkling kitchen and a new outlook when I get home!

Perhaps, with that 1st step taken, we can figure out the next one and begin to do things to make our marriage and our life happy together.

Law of Attraction – My Goals – A Work in Progress December 20, 2008

Change log:
December 21, 2008. Quantified some goals. Will move goals to present tense but not yet! Am not yet at “believe” because have more work to do on “feel” and images (see next point) will help with that.
December 20, 2008. Broke goals out into own post. Added a visual image next to a monetary goal. Intend to add more images throughout.

Goals (a work in progress):

• to be very fit and healthy. For me, I would like to reach a new standard. Things I have achieved in the past include low body fat and great muscle definition. I would like to have under 20% body fat. In addition, I’d like strong flat abs for the first time ever! Solid core strength all around is the goal. This will lead to my whole body working better together as designed. My alignment will be perfect. <scan and insert image here of old photo>. If any illness caught, will resolve itself within 2-3 days.
• my immediate family to be very fit and healthy. My husband has decided to start the Body for Life Challenge in January! How wonderful he’s decided on his own. Ahem. My girls need to be proficient at more skills: cartwheels, “walking bars” using hands while hanging – not sure what that’s called, more gymnastics skills such as flipping over a bar, running faster, better coordination and confidence in physical skills, ability to bike up any hill in town without stopping. If any illness caught, will resolve itself within 2-3 days.
• all of us to be happier. Laugh 20 times a day. Smile 100 times a day. (Okay, I’m clueless what’s realistic or an appropriate goal here!) A feeling of lightness. The ability to savor the moment and doing so a few times a day.
• all of us to spend at least 50% of our time out of doors. Great passtimes are reading, gardening & yard work, playing on play set, using pool (in season), walking, biking, playing at the park, visiting friends.
• to have at least 50% of what we eat come from my garden.
• my business revenue to consistently increase.
• my paperwork issues to resolve within 2 months.
• to remain caught up on paperwork.
• to work around 2-4 hours per week.
• to continue to have trusted, reliable employees who do the bulk of the work.
• to continue to have employees who love working for me and feel blessed by the opportunity to work flexible hours from home.
• a best friend for my older daughter who is worthy of her. A friend who is nice, relaxing, gentle, available, and close. Someone with similar values like kindness, openness, honest, peace, understanding.
• to keep and improve the friendship with my new friend. To trust that she is true. To make the effort to reciprocate.
• another close and trusted friend to appear in my life within a few months.
• to take an extended (2-3 weeks minium) family vacation to Europe within 2 years. Or the UK. Or both.
• inner calmness and patience.
• to bring my sanctuary to reality; to find it, own it, and visit it for real at least once or twice a year.
• confidence that I am doing an amazing job in all aspects of my life.
• increased net worth (need to quantify!!!!)

Law of Attraction December 12, 2008

I haven’t been happy recently; I’ve fallen into some habits of bad thinking. Certainly, life got a whole lot more complicated when I became a mom. However, I have what I always wished for and what I still want. I suspect I’ve dead-ended because my thinking and planning didn’t get past where I am now. I’ve been so busy with being and having what I always wanted and created for myself that I haven’t created sufficient time to create my future. Ah. Good thing I just wrote that down so now I know.

I’ve just started listening to The Secret audio on my iPod. We watched the DVD when it came out and, while we wanted it to change our lives, we have not fully managed to get there. I am thinking that because the video is so slick, I get distracted and am not picking up on as much information as it offers. I just went over a few things with my visual husband and he rattled off the next bits, so clearly, the DVD is just right for his learning style, but for an auditory/kinesthetic person like me, listening and writing is much more the way to go.

I must figure out what I want! And also, I must create it by creating my emotions. That’s how far I’ve gotten. I totally missed this when I watched the DVD. It’s super simple to create a happy emotion; I’ve only been practicing since last night and already I’ve smiled more in 12 hours than I did the whole previous week. I look at my children and see how beautiful their faces are. I get them to make silly faces and that totally cracks me up. I bother my beautiful favorite cat. (He loves it.) I need to also use music and nature and exercise. Once I am feeling better, I can then create the image of what I want and in that way, it is drawn to me. I never got this before! I can totally feel a shift already.

So here I go!

I want (a work in progress):

My Goals – moved

There. Not bad for a first take! I’ll be working on that happiness thing and now I have specific things to think about when I’m feeling good. It might be time to start adding some photos!